It’s been one of those days. You know those days where you love your children yet wonder how you’re going to survive the life sentence of parenthood? Those days where if another scream, argument, whine, or just another person climbing on you will just about throw you over the edge (Sorry Hubs, consider yourself warned for tonight)? Those days where you envision yourself on top of a cliff overlooking the Grand Canyon and the magnificent beauty and calmness of it…and then you jump.
Yeah…it’s been one of those days.
It’s also been one of those days where you wonder what the hell is going on in those little minds of those that love to torment you. They’re half your height, but have ten times your endurance. They will take you down scream, whine, and misbehaved action by action. Then it happens…you suddenly have an epiphany…
Right after your almost four year old boy spits out milk…
out your patio door…
onto your door, floor and…
your neighbor’s patio below.
You yell “What are you doing???” As if though he’ll answer.
He answers, “I’m making a lake.”
No shit, you think. You grumble in silence instead.
“Are you supposed to do this?” you finally ask as you wipe of some of the Milky Lake knowing that he’ll answer correctly.
“Nope.”
“Then why did you?” you get up to grab some paper towels to help your efforts while the eighteen month old screams and laughs from the high chair. Your almost four year old runs to play with something else. You don’t chase him and instead you begin the monologue of what went through his head.
Hey, look at that. There’s a tiny little hole between the screen door and the gate. I wonder if I can get through it, he looks at Mom to make sure she’s sufficiently distracted. Hell yeah (Yeah, my son talks like a bad ass.) she’s busy. Ok…if I do this my mom is going to go ape crazy on me. She’ll probably put me in time out. I might even lose my firetruck…again. Worth it? Not worth it? Worth it? Not worth it?
He looks at me again. This time our eyes connect and I know something is up, but he is smarter than me and wilier than me. That, and he has those big powerful brown eyes that can hide and kill. I know…I have the same pair.
Dude, it’s going to be totally worth it to see the mess. (Yeah, my son talks like a surfer, too.) He grabs his milk and chugs. I see him and am glad that he’s finally decided to drink it. I turn back to the kitchen to get some more food for them until I hear…
***SPLASH***
What the hell??? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, almost four year old boys are smarter than us. They are wilier than us. They weigh the positives and negatives of their actions and let it be known that ….
Making a huge fucking mess is worth all sorts of time outs, toys taken away, and a very very pissed off mom.
Peace out, Firetruck. See you next week.
My son in 11 years
Sometimes, kids can be real assholes. Smart, I would never think of that little assholes.
Yep. That has to be the perfect almost-4-year-old monologue…
My 21-month-old is SO ahead of the game!
(That’s me trying to shed some light on the fact that I am in DEEP Sh@! when it comes to asking – no wait telling? – no WAIT requesting??? my youngest to NOT spit milk out.
I’ve lost the will to fight (the 3rd kids does that to you!)
Good luck.
You just comforted me on the fact that my son isn’t the only insane little 4 year old. He has been making me crazy since age two!
Funny photo and post. You know that bad ass surfer will probably be President of the United States some day. It’s all about options…weighing the good and the bad and making a clear choice!
The reason I keep up my running? So that I stand a chance of keeping up with my kids as time passes (now, I can still walk faster than they can run).
My boy really, really likes to take his sippy-cup, be it milk or water or juice in it, press the nozzle against the ground & make a pool.
Of course, he doesn’t talk yet so when you ask him why he’s doing that, he just looks at you & shrugs. I don’t know how I’m going to make it past the eye-roll stage.
I’m pretty sure you just looked into the very twisted brain of my almost-4-year-old. They say stuff that makes you think they’re tiny geniuses and then spit out milk for no particular reason. Glad mine’s not the only one like that. I’m a little scared because my almost-2-year-old is even more despicable & wily than his older brother… I think I’m in serious trouble.
Hi! I’ve gone ahead and bookmarked http://mothershideaway.com/blog/2011/09/07/monologue-of-an-almost-four-year-old/.html on Reddit so my friends can see it too. I just used Monologue of an Almost Four Year Old | Mothers' Hideaway Blog as the entry in my bookmark, as I figured if it is good enough for you to title your blog post that, then you probably would like to see it bookmarked the same way.