MUTE Button

In both of our families, my husband and I are infamous for being “The Muters”. We’re the people that push “MUTE” as soon as the commercials come on because they’re always so loud and, typically, pretty annoying. We usually like to have our conversations during the commercials and muting ensures we can actually talk. Well, unless he has the remote and then somehow, magically, the channel flips to whatever sports event may be going on. Even the mute button can’t get rid of the glazed look over his eyes when a good game is on. The games don’t need volume to be entertaining apparently. Hitting mute whenever the commercials come on has become a habit I can’t seem to break. It’s a reflex to me similar to the reflex a smoker has to a cigarette when stressed. I. Need. The. Silence. In fact, at night I try to relish in the silence when the kids are asleep, my husband is still at work, and I get the chance to watch a little bit of “Glee” or “Grey’s” or “Parenthood” or *shhh* “Keeping up with the Kardashians” and “Kendra”. It is in these moments that I get to zone out, text or IM, or….just sit in silence. *ahhhhhh*

The fact of the matter is that my days are chaotic. There’s something happening at every turn and when you have two boys under the age of three life is full of surprises. My two year old has always been a “talker” except now…the kid can actually talk. He likes to hear his voice. He talks to the toys. He talks to his brother (which is actually quite sweet). He talks to himself. He talks to the TV. He talks to me. He talks to anything living or non-living. If he can act like it’s listening then he’ll talk to it. Not only does he talk he makes noises. Every fire truck has a siren. Every plane has a loud motor. Every car has an engine. Every animal has a sound. I recall the days not long ago where I was so excited that he could say “Moo” when I asked him what a cow would say. Now, I have to remind myself that it’s okay that he’s running around the house with his toy cow screaming “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

He tends to get louder when I’m on the phone. Especially if it’s an important call or a doctor’s office. I was on the phone recently with a new acquaintance and he was screaming about something in the background and she said “It sounds like you’re busy I’ll let you go,” to which I quickly responded, “It always sounds like this at my house. I’m not busier than normal.” I must have scared the poor woman. My son often reminds me of that episode of Family Guy where Stewie just calls for his mom just to annoy her.

One particularly bad day I really just needed silence but my husband was working late, the baby was refusing a nap, and the preschooler was, well, being a preschooler and wouldn’t be quiet. I pulled him to me and while I hugged him I searched him. On his back? Nope. On his stomach? Nope. What about those feet or hands? Nope . Dangit, where is it?? Ohhh I know. His nose?? Ears??? And it is in that moment I realized….. My kid doesn’t come with a “MUTE” button. At that moment I began to fantasize *insert clouds and heavenly lights* about all of the places I’d use a MUTE button in my life…

• My sons when they just won’t calm down but aren’t really doing anything wrong and shushing them isn’t all that fair.

MUTE.

• My husband when he comes home from a bad day at work and is a sourpuss to me all evening.

MUTE.

• Annoying neighbors that decide that it’s best to talk to you while you’re carrying your screaming children upstairs.

MUTE.

• Your in-laws when….well, wait…your in-laws, period.

MUTE. MUTE. MUTE.

• An acquaintance that calls over and over complaining about the same thing again and again, but refuses to do anything to fix the problem.

MUTE.

• That random stranger giving you parenting advice when they see you have children.

MUTE.

• That person sitting on the plane next to you that just won’t shut up.

MUTE.

• That person in the movie theater that thinks it’s an AWESOME idea to provide a commentary to the movie.

MUTE.

There are soooo many other times and people I’d use the “MUTE” button on, but I want you all to tell me….If you had a “MUTE” button, where would you use it?